


Growing Up (So Close Yet So Far From You)

by Tae2Junnies



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyhood - Freeform, Cheerleader Choi Yeonjun, Cute, Family Issues, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting to Know Each Other, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Letter Exchange, Loner Choi Soobin, Lots of Retrospections, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Time Skips, Yeonjun-Centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:46:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25425619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tae2Junnies/pseuds/Tae2Junnies
Summary: Yeonjun grew up with a lot of thoughts riddling his mind. About his weight. About why his father left him and his family. About why he coped with his personal issues by eating. About whether he was deserving of love at all.The best and worse moments of his life, his biggest success and greastest mistakes; they all happened one way or another to seek this one feeling and that he always had seemed to long for: Some comfort.Who would have thought that the words 'To: CYJ, From: CSB' would be the greatest form of comfort he would ever ask for?or:(AU) CheerleaderYeonjun x LonerSoobin (With a twist)Yeonjun doubts himself a lot and it takes a certain ‘CSB’ to make him forget about it.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Yeonjun/Original Character(s), Other Ship Mentioned
Comments: 15
Kudos: 68





	Growing Up (So Close Yet So Far From You)

**Author's Note:**

> She's back!!
> 
> I somehow reached 300 kudos on When I sense you and I want to thank you so much for that, I never imagined so much love for my work tbh!  
> To celebrate this amazing news here I am with this new AU! there will be dramas, love and lots of time laps!
> 
> Enjoy my lovelies and thank you so much

“Yeonjun, just help me help you!”

“Beomgyu, I didn’t ask for your help!”

Yeonjun was walking fast towards the football field while Beomgyu was trailing after him. They were both late for the cheerleading practice and Yeonjun’s the main spotter and base for the routine that their school’s team are practicing for.

“Just because you’re desirable to the average high schooler doesn’t mean that you need to look available to all of them! Prom is in three weeks; you have to find a date!” Beomgyu pressed as they made their way through the hallway next to the locker rooms.

The older quickly entered the male locker room, walked to the deep end of the rows of lockers to go to his own and put his school bag inside. He opened it to retrieve his bottle of water since he always was thirsty in the middle of the practices.

As he opened it, he saw an envelope at the top of his neatly stocked copybooks and schoolbooks. His mood immediately shifted as his eyes widened in surprise at the sight of the too familiar pastel green letter.

It had been almost a year since he hadn’t seen these familiar cursive _“ **CYJ”**_ written so beautiful on the soft mint envelope. His heart jumped in his chest just at the idea of the two letters that were marked after the column following the word “From”.

He looked towards his best friend’s way — who was still rambling about silly things. He wasn’t paying attention fortunately, so he put the letter away, reigning down the feeling of curiosity and longing. He quickly closed his bag and then his locker.

“Yeonjun! Are you even listening to me?” Beomgyu whined. Yeonjun ignored his best friend who kept on complaining when they went through the gate leading to the open field. The girls were already stretching on the left side of the field.

The two cheerleaders fast-walked towards their teams bowing a little as an apology when Sooyoung threw them a stern look. She was the captain of their squad since last year and run it with an iron grip. She was as adorable as she was strict and demanding. Yeonjun loved it because it pushed him to do better.

Beomgyu persisted while they started following the stretching exercises that Sooyoung modeled for, “Just at least let me introduce you to some—“

Yeonjun hissed in a harsh whisper, “Beomie! We’re not having this discussion now. Prom is the last thing on my mind right—“

“Guys! Do you have anything you want to share with the rest of the team?” Sooyoung interrupted them looking fed up. Too many pair of eyes all turned to them, some of them amused, other interested. Overal,l they all were close to each other, some of them more than others but no matter what, they all agreed that gossips were worth pausing the practice for.

Yeonjun huffed at the looks, “Nothing—“

“Yeonjun still doesn’t have a date for prom.” Beomgyu cut him so loudly and ugh, Yeonjun hated him.

He hated him because now all the attention was on him as most of the girls — and some boys — gasped dramatically. Like they did at everything happening that was out of the norm. Or their own norms.

The thing was that their school had agreed to organize an American school-like prom for the high school students. Last year was a hit and it left the whole student body giddy for what was to come this year. Yeonjun knew that it was going to be as pretty as last year, since Beomgyu’s boyfriend, Taehyun was still the president of the prom committee and took his tasks very seriously.

That didn’t stop him from having a strong feeling of dislike towards proms. Actually, he hated it. Memories from last year’s proms surged in his mind making him wince. He tried to shake it off but Chaeryeong snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Do you want me to ask one of my friends? Girls or boy?”

Yeonjun shook his head hastily after glaring at Beomgyu for spilling their private issue to the team. He was going to tell them to drop it before the girls gave their own take on it. As usual.

“A boy, obviously. He dated you-know-who for almost two years,” Chaewon rolled her eyes although she still held sympathetic eyes, like all the girls did when they mentioned his ex. He smiled back awkwardly, simple mention of him made Yeonjun want to barf.

“Bisexuals exist Chaewon,” Ryujin chuckled, “and we shouldn’t try to pressure him into finding someone. It’s perfectly fine if you go alone, Yeonjun. I mean, I’ll go alone.” She said proudly.

“You’re going alone because everyone is too scared to ask you as their date, Ryujin,” Yeji teased her friend and the rest of the team chuckled, “You’re too intimidating to people that doesn’t know you.”

“It’s because she’s a fierce dancer and men are always intimidated by charismatic women,” Yuna provided, a big smile stretching on her when Ryujin winked at her playfully.

“Speaking of dancing,” Sooyoung rolled her eyes, “We are in practice, so let’s refocus, we have the big performance for the game next week and we’re nowhere near ready.” She turned to Yeonjun, “You’ll find someone soon enough. Everyone wants you. Hell, even my Jiwoo can’t shut up about how nice you are and she’s _the_ biggest sweetheart you’ll ever meet.” She spoke of her girlfriend so fondly and Yeonjun couldn’t help but smile.

“Thanks, Sooyoung, but I’m fine with being alone, anyways.” Beomgyu whined but he pushed him lightly, “I _am_ fine with it. No need to find someone for me, girls. I appreciate the thought, though. Let’s focus now, shall we?” He said and the rest of the team nodded and hummed in agreement, refocusing on Sooyoung’s instructions.

When they finished stretching and they broke apart to start the actual choreography practice Beomgyu muttered while passing next to him, “I’m not giving up, Jun.”

**(** ** _I won’t give up on you, Yeonjun, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. You mean too much to me._** )

All could Yeonjun do was sigh.

***

The practice lasted two hours. Yeonjun was the last to leave, since he had to organize back the props and Beomgyu couldn’t stay since he had to see Taehyun to go suit shopping for prom.

Stupid prom.

Stupid full of expectations prom that Yeonjun didn’t care about.

He didn’t _want_ to care about it.

Last year’s prom was enough to make him sneer at the idea of stupid, hurtful prom dates. And even sadder looks and backs turning to him.

He walked to the now empty locker room and he suddenly remembered the letter that had been slipped in his locker.

His chest squeezed at the array of memories that the mint letters brought. He opened his locker and sat on the bench in front of his locker once he took the soft envelope.

He carefully passed his fingers on the rim of the envelope. They still had the same grainy feeling at the touch that made Yeonjun smile softly.

Finally, he opened the envelope. Inside of it was the usual purple letter. While he pulled out the letter, his bracelet tingled at the movement of his wrist.

He took a glance at his bracelet that always sat around his wrist, no matter the circumstances. He always kept it carefully next to him, as if it was his most precious belonging.

(In a way, it was)

It had several charms that all held different meanings. The bracelet was almost complete. There was only one hole that hadn’t been attributed a charm. He instinctively looked inside the mint envelope and his heart almost stopped when he noticed the small charm lodged in the folds. It looked like a heart.

Before he could read the letter or even pull out the charm, the locker room’s door opened behind him.

He turned away in surprise.

At the sight of _him_ , Yeonjun gasped and dropped the letter. His heart stopped and he froze.

How could he be there?

How was it possible?

How——

_How did he come to that?_

**_*** Pause ***  
_ **

Choi Yeonjun wasn’t a romantic. He just wasn’t.

He had grown up watching romantic comedies, reading books that somehow always had hints of romance in it, surrounding himself with people who aspired to romance. 

But it just wasn’t what he was into.

That didn’t mean that he never longed for a relationship.

In reality it was more the comfort than the romance that he sought in a relationship. That was what he had wanted since he had started high school. Now, to be fair, this was something he could have only dare to want since the beginning of high school.

That was also before he had known that it would backfire. Badly. 

Okay, it was a _little bit_ more complicated than that.

If you had to chapter his life and give it some kind of title it would go like this:

**1 • His Childhood: The delicious source of comfort •**

Back in middle school his self-esteem was quite low, for various reasons. He just felt... inadequate. _Yeah_ , that was the right words.

Inadequate for himself, for his body, for his goals, for his friends, his family.

The worst part was that this inner self-qualified inadequacy only came from him. Nobody around him, not his loved-ones at least, felt this way about him. They all loved him “just the way he was”.

But how could you accept the love from someone else when you couldn’t really love yourself.

While growing up he always _loved_ to eat. There was nothing wrong with that. Adults even praised him for it. Eating a lot meant that you were going to grow well, to be a good and handsome man. That was what his paren,ts used to tell him at least. He never understood the correlation between eating a lot and being a good person but he just accepted because food was a source of happiness and comfort.

And like he said, Yeonjun looked a lot for comfort.

So, he kept on eating a little more than other people around him, even when ‘being a good eater’ stopped being something worth being praised over. At first, his chubbiness wasn’t something he was ashamed of. He knew that being a boy made him less a subject to judgment about his physic, unlike his sister who always had to pay attention to those things. He didn’t have to care as much. He was heavier than the rest of his family and they still loved him — when they didn’t fight. His physic never had been thrown at his face other than for health reasons, and he dismissed it easily.

Back then he didn’t believe he had an eating disorder, either. He knew that eating disorders were something serious, even back in middle scholl when you didn't have words to qualify how you felt as easily as in high school. He still knew that you couldn’t just call it out whenever you ate more or less than usual. No, what he believe that he had was more a love for food because it was there for him when people had failed him. When he fought with his brother — which happened frequently—, or with his mother. It was also there for him when his father left them. He still remembered the sticky honey bun that was leaking on his hand when his mother tried to reigned down her tears as she announced to him and his siblings that their father had left and that it wouldn't be temporary. He remebered how his first reaction, befolre even crying was to take a bite of his honey bun ecause it was a snack that they loved to share together with his father. It was at the realization that they would never share it again that the water wokred and that he started tearing up.

Food became an anchor to him from this point on.

It also was great comfort when he was having trouble making friends in middle school. Although that was less of a problem when he met Beomgyu, the cheer squad then Taehyun later, but that wasn't before few years. For most of his childhood it was only him and food.

Concretely, it had became something he centered his life around. It really wasn’t a problem either. Not to him at least.

Until he entered the eight grade.

Then, all the sudden, what you looked like mattered. No matter your gender. It just did.

Now, that wasn’t good for Yeonjun because at that point he didn’t really paid attention to himself.

Obviously when some students started pointing out that he was on the heavier side, that he ate _a lot_ , going as far as caling him names, for the meanest ones; he realized what consuming his main source of comfort meant. It meant ending up being some kind of runt, excluded. His self-image took a real hit and his usual outgoing and cheerful althought lonely-self slowly closed itself to be replaced by more introversion.

It was good that he had Beomgyu, though. They had met on the year that the remarks had started, and his friendship was more than enough, so he wasn’t completely alone, from this point on. Even though they had a year difference, it was more than enough. The girls in his class were nice to him, too, since they understood what it was to be self-conscious about your body and appearance more than anyone else. They were thoughtful and tried their best to include him when in class.

That newfound attention wasn’t all that well-received by the other boys in his class. The taunting had gotten way worse, to the point that by the end of the eight grade, he barely spoke. He still ate, but moderately.

He had to. He needed comfort more than anything else during those times.

Then, the summer came. His self-esteem was at its lowest. The eight grade to ninth grade’s summer was hit by heat waves. The type of heat in which nobody even tried to go out of places without AC systems, but also where young people like him practically lived in the public pools.

That seemed like an impossible option to Yeonjun back then. Showing his body to anyone seemed like the worst thing you could ask of him. He looked at himself in the mirror and these ugly things that students at school called him immediately resurfaced in his mind. So, he just stayed at home, doing nothing for days on end, begging his mother to let him just spend the summer there, and to lock the fridge while she was leaving for work.

It was precisely after this demand that he realized that maybe he _did_ have some kind of eating problem. It wasn’t as severe as some people, but it was there.

Somehow, those months of taunting, teasing, name-calling transformed his relationship with food, with his body. They made him realize and see things that he would have never notice before.

It felt bad. It felt ugly.

He felt ugly and _too much_. But at the same time, just not enough.

After that realization he _definitely_ didn’t want to get out of his room. Despite his mother insistence, his baby sister’s whining for him to accompany her some places, his brother’s well-intended scolding for him to have fun. Nothing made him move from his bed for the fist two weeks of summer.

He looked at videos of men and women that looked fit and led a somewhat healthy lifestyle. It wasn’t out of motivation to become them, or out of envy. It just reminded him that maybe he would find some other way to be happy. Food couldn’t be his outlet to comfort anymore. It couldn’t because when he looked at those videos all he saw was people being skinny, that didn’t as much as he did and that were... happy?

They did looked happy to him. Almost as if there was a real link between being slim and being happy. In those moments, he remembered what those adults would tell him when he was a child.

Somehow, as one would grow up in their society, your happiness was determined first by how much you ate, but later by how little you did. It was all so confusing.

He was just very confused, annoyed and hurt. When he ate he didn’t feel that same feeling of contempt. He wouldn’t feel bad either. He didn’t want to starve himself and he didn’t do it, but this shift of feeling towards food did took a toll on his mental health in a way. His family had noticed it, too. How... sad he looked. How uninterested by things he was. He had became a mess of frowns and sighs, despite himself.

“ _You’re not eating more, honey?”_ His mother would ask. He would always only shake his head. When she would ask why he never would be able to answer because it was all a mess in his head. All he knew was that food wouldn’t cut it anymore. He had no source of comfort anymore.

**2 • The summer: The paced walk towards change •**

It took Beomgyu forcing his way into his room on a random day of June to get Yeonjun out of this spiral of confusion and hurt.

Yeonjun remembered how he had barged into his room loudly to tell him to get up and dressed himself because they were going out. Yeonjun had been reluctant but after literally _thirty minutes_ of whining and complaint, Yeonjun had agreed. So, off with Beomgyu he went.

They walked in the bustling streets and went to get ice cream. Yeonjun was almost excited about it first but after taking his first bite he realized that the comfort and happiness that food used to provide him actually was over. Even mint chocolate ice-cream, which he adored, was just... normal to him. Nothing more, nothing less.

That realization left him looking so disheartened in the middle of the cheerful ice cream parlor. Beomgyu gave him a worried glance at the sight of him barely finishing his ice cream. “Seriously Yeonjun, are you okay?” Beomgyu asked and Yeonjun didn’t know what to tell him. He himself knew that overall he was fine, but that his mental health was... shaky. Not completely stable.

He shrugged at Beomgyu in answer with a small smile to what the younger sighed in worry. Yeonjun wished he could just be fine not to worry his friend but he was unable to switch off his emotions and act like he was completely fine. It just showed too easily on his face.

Beomgyu knew that, too, so he took matters in his own hands and Yeonjun remebered the look of determination that his friend had as they left the ice cream parlor. like he would do everything in his power to have the old Yeonjun back. It was nice of him, Yeonjun thought.

They moved on with their day, strolling through the park near the ice cream parlor to simply hang out under the shade of a tree, like they did sometimes during the school year.

It was as they walked on the main square of their city that he saw them.

Girls flying in the cloudless sky, just to get caught garcefully last minute. Other moving sharply and powerfully to the beat of the cheerful and energetic music, all the while smiling like all of it was effortless. The synchronization that the whole group seemed to have as they moved perfectly in rythm.

Yeonjun was almost breathless at the sight.

“That’s our school cheerleading team. They’re good right? I’m considering trying out next year.” Beomgyu explained giddily.

It happened quickly, like a flash really, but on that hot day of June, Yeonjun fell in love with cheerleading.

Watching the team move made his heart skip a beat as he mind provided the words that he let out despite himself.

_“I want to do that, too.”_

Beomgyu looked as surprised as he felt. It wasn’t that he was a lazy slob. Actually, despite his weight, he could move. He always enjoyed dancing casually to the music he enjoyed. But there was a difference between banging your headd and shaking your hips to your favorite tunes in your room and what those girls did.

Maybe it was because of the sparkles in his eyes as he watched the girls jump in the air and do a last sequence of movements before finishing their routine. Maybe it was because he hadn’t looked that impressed in a long time, but Beomgyu’s eyes had never looked so excited that when he told Yeonjun “Let’s try out together!”

Yeonjun had looked at him in disbelief for a few seconds. It sounded crazy. As he looked at those amazingly talented girls, he did saw the obvious body type that these movements required. He knew that he was flexible but he wouldn’t be able to move like that, right? Not with his body type at least.

He vaguely explained this to his friend who scoffed at him immediately.

“You already have the basics down. You’re flexible. All we have to work on his your core strength. We’re going to get you back in shape and you’ll be ready for the tryouts in mid-September. We just have to make sure that you’ll stay motivated.” Then he asked more seriously, “Do you really want this?”

Beomgyu looked at him with so much determination and hope. For his friend, but also for himself, Yeonjun didn’t have the will to say anything else than “Yes, I do.”

Yeonjun still remembered vividly to this day his friend’s warm smile as he said “Then I promise that we’ll make it together, Yeonjun. Do you know why?” Yeonjun didn’t dare to move as he listened to his friend. “Because I believe in us. Because I believe in you.”

That was the day that Beomgyu became his best friend.

***

From this day on, Beomgyu and Yeonjun worked out regularly. It was hard at first, since he wasn’t completely in shape, but eventually it became easier to run. Less tiring to do squats. Less exhausting to do cardio exercise.

He stopped looking at videos of people taht only seemed to be happy by being skinny and started watching videos about basics of cheerleading, of muscle building exercises and healthy diets that helped gaining good fat.

It was actually quite incredible how much his relationship with food changed in the span of four months. It had been a source of happiness, of comfort and soothing back then. But in a way cheerleading and dancing took that spot. Now he ate because he could, not because he longed for it.

Yeonjun was able to get up and smile at the prospect of the day, even if it was only to see Beomgyu and negotiate the extent of leg day. Even when he looked at his reflection his body-length mirror, the ugly names did pop out but way less.

By the end of the summer, he wasn’t completely satisfied by how he looked. His primary objective hadn’t been to lose weight but he had figured that if he could avoid the awful remarks that some students would throw at him it would be so much better for his mental health. Now, he hadn’t lost that much weight, and gained a lot of stretch marks in the process. It was a new source of discomfort and self-insatisfaction but it was also a testimony of the work he had done to better himself and be in shape for the cheerleading tryouts.

In reality, the real changes were rather on his confidence.

He never really cared for confidence but if you has asked him how his confidence level was in middle school, he would have told you pretty low.

At the start of the ninth grade, figuratively and physically, he walked a little lighter. With more confidence, with an easier smile.

On his first day of school, people in the hallways would greet him and smile at him, some he had never even talked to before. He was almost proud of himself for that change. That newfound attention felt good. To be fair, he was a loner and he liked to be alone most of the time but he also knew that if people came to him it meant that he won that 'social ascencion' game that their society seemed to have put in place. Thanks to his newfound confidence. He had walked inside his class and he almost had told himself that maybe he wouldn’t need any source of comfort, not even food, to make him feel happy.

Almost.

It was around the fifteenth student that had greeted him and lingered at his table to ask how his holidays when ( _“Good I guess? What’s your name again?”_ ) that he realized that it wasn’t the confidence that made him appealing. At least, not entirely. It was the new physic.

That left him a little distraught.

That idea that at the end of the day, it was all about looks. Your worth in society would most likely be determined by what’s outside than by what was inside. It weirded him out. It really did.

Then he met Wooseo.

**3 • Ninth grade: The cursed new source of comfort •**

Wooseo was a new student in their school. He used to live in Seoul but had moved in their town because his father had unfortunately pssed away forcing his mother to find a job in a less expensive city. That was what he had admitted to Yeonjun at least on their first study date at least.

Oh, yeah. It should be mentionned that Yeonjun and Wooseo quickly had gotten closer. Very quickly.

( _Too quickly_ )

It was a week after his arrival in his class that the blond haired guy had talked to Yeonjun for the first time and it had left him a little speechless. See, Wooseo was _pretty_. His cat-like eyes that stretched when he smiled. That natural smirk that could make your insides melt at the sight. That long nose and strong jaw line. He was

pretty _and_ handsome. Everyone could see that, including Yeonjun. The school’s attention had been just as much on him as it had been on Yeonjun, due to his drastic physical change during the summer.

All the girls were whispering about him. How he was so handsome. So soft-spoken. How apparently he used to be the star soccer player of his previous school and that “oh god, a jock, how hot is that”. As for the boys, they were envious of that attention but came to find out that it was better to be close to him than to make an enemy out of him.

The thing was that Wooseo hadn’t seemed to be interested in either of those people. A lot of students had tried to befriend him but he only seemed to want to talk to one person. And that person was himself, Choi Yeonjun.

Back to the first time that he had talked to each other: Yeonjun was a fumbling mess. What he was saying barely made sense and honestly if he was at Wooseo’s spot he would have ran away.

But Wooseo had stayed, laughing at Yeonjun’s awkwardness, giving him words of encouragement when Yeonjun had explained later in their conversation that he was a little nervous because that day were the cheerleading tryouts.

Wooseo had told him that it would go well as long as he trained well, and that he would go see him to support him.

Maybe it was the fact that he had gained more confidence back then, or maybe it was the slight blush that Yeonjun could feel blooming on his cheek at the sight of the blond's smirk; maybe it was because he actually would need some kind of support; but Yeonjun find himself agreeing to Wooseo’s suggestion with a shy smile and even redder cheeks.

From then on they only had gotten closer. Yeonjun had successfully passed his cheerleading tryouts and had celebrated it by going out with Beomgyu — who passed, too — and the cheerleading team who all welcomed them so warmly. The girls were so nice to them and as he already knew some of them from middle school they knew how to act with him. It was nice.

Somehow in the middle of the night, Wooseo had found him and they had went on an improvised outing (Yeonjun was too shy to call it a date, even with Wooseo’s insistence as he interlaced their fingers). He was reluctant at first but after some pushes from the girls and Beomgyu quiter literally pushing hi into Wooseo's arms, he agreed. They spent the rest of the night walking and talking and Wooseo truly was charming; telling him that he had done so great at the tryouts, that he knew that he would make a great cheerleader and dancer, that he would definitely became super popular.

Yeonjun didn't care a lot about popularity. He was mostly happy that people could stop looking at him and only see the chubby guy. He had just smiled at Wooseo though, omitting this detail once he saw how the blond seem so excited at the prospect of popularity.

_(That should have been his first wakeup call)_

By the end of the night Wooseo had boldly kissed him and Yeonjun had somewhat liked it. Wooseo was a good kisser but it did feel a little too fast to Yeonjun, back then.

His mind had provided that few months ago, he would never had been able to get a glance from someone like Wooseo, that he should feel lucky.

So, Yeonjun started dating Wooseo by the end of that weekend.

So, Yeonjun had found what seemed to be his new source of comfort.

***

Dating Wooseo felt nice but also had eventually seemed... complicated? Unnatural?

On the one hand, Yeonjun had liked him a lot during their first year and a half together. He really did. He was nice to Yeonjun, seemed to be interested in what Yeonjun had to say. They laughed a lot together and it felt great.. It was just that it seemed that it was all the did. When Yeonjun would yet again fight with his mother, Wooseo would be a good shoulder to cry on, although he never had other words that 'It'll be okay' (Would it, though?). Yeonjun tried to be there for him too but he had came to found out that he was quite secretive.

On the other hand, his life had changed drastically, for the better since he had entered the cheerleading team. By the end of the first semester of ninth grade he had dropped those last kilos and had slimmed down entirely. He looked at food and the mean and ugly words barely popped anymore, if not at all. He actually had gotten so much closer to Beomgyu who he could talk to about almost everything (except his deep problems. Something always kept him from doing it) and to the rest of team who found themselves to be an amazing supportive group of friends.

He was even more confident. The school seemed to like him and he was dating the star-player of their soccer team, and that seemed to mean something to people around him who looked at them in envy and longing. Wooseo himself was nice too, _somewhat_ thoughtful and understanding.

He shouldn’t have had anything to complain about.

It was just weird sometimes.

It was like it all fell artificial at times.

Not with Beomgyu or with his friends from his cheerleading friends. They were all such a blessing to him, to this day.

But a year into his relationship with Wooseo he hadn’t been sure if he could give Yeonjun’s his father's name - despite all the clear resentment that Yeonjun had towards him that warranted some discussion about him. Yeonjun didn't know If Wooseo could name his favorite color. If he knew who was his favorite singer.

That seemed like details for others but it made a difference to Yeonjun. He was no airhead. He had grades that he was proud of. He read a lot, cultivated himself _for pleasure_. He liked to have deep discussions about the poor state of their planet just as much as he liked to talk about Mamamoo’s last album and how Jung Wheein could step on him and he would thank her.

None of those things seemed to matter to Wooseo. He treated him fine but there was a sort of distance between them. Yeonjun didn’t feel like he knew Wooseo, even if they had talked a lot at the beginning of their relationship. Yeonjun knew that Wooseo ached from the loss of his father and he could relate a lot, but Wooseo kept to himself a lot, which Yeonjun could respect but it did feel one-sided sometimes.

At the beginning of tenth grade, It was to a point in which they only talked when there were people around them. To the eyes of their school they were the powerful jock-cheerleader couple that “ruled the school” (although Yeonjun found that thought a little cringe-worthy). The couple that was perfect and perfectly happy.

Wooseo seemed to revel in this attention that they received. Long gone was the guy who only seemed to want to befriend Yeonjun. He spent more time with his soccer team than with Yeonjun. And when Yeonjun hinted that they should spend more time together, Wooseo would dismiss him or worst, publicly tease him (read: mock him) in front of the team, saying that he was “too clingy”.

By that point that feeling of distress that had faded away with his “transformation” during the summer of eight to ninth grade and had almost disappeared when he started dated Wooseo had came back full-force. He felt that Wooseo liked him _(Did he?)_ but his presence hadn’t filled his need for comfort. Food wasn’t doing it for him like before, either.

He started looking at himself in the mirror and all he could see was how slim he was, how much stretch marks he had accumulated and he didn’t know what to think anymore. He still believed that they were marks of his evolution to be proud of but he also saw how un-aesthetically pleasing they were to look at.

He once mentioned it to Beomgyu when they were at the library. It had been few days after the end of the christmas holidays in the mid of tenth grade.

It was a one time thing but it changed _everything_.

They were studying for their respective tests but Yeonjun couldn’t seem to shake that odd feeling. He felt like a fraud.

People looked at him and saw perfection. He never changed his personality despite the popularity he had gained, but in a way he didn’t need to change because people assumed these changes for him. They assumed that he had a perfect life, balancing great grades and an even greater relationship. A nice body and an outstanding talent as a cheerleader/dancer.

Truth was that his life was a _shit show_. Sure his grades were great but they came from hours of studying just like worked for his cheerleading skills — it wasn’t talent. He still felt some abandonment issues from his father leaving his family. He still had stretch mark, that littered the whole plain of his hips and stomach and his shoulders. His relationship was close to being entirely superficial and it seemed that his boyfriend didn’t care about that.

He had confessed all of that to his best frieds on a whim. He had just blurted it out in a rush of whispers as to not disturb the other students working. He remembered Beomgyu looking at him with round widened eyes in pure suprise and maybe shock. Yeonjun didn’t blame him. It was a lot to take in, even for himself.

“... I don’t know what to say, Jun.” Beomgyu whispered hesitantly, “It’s a lot to deal with.”

Yeonjun shrugged and gave him a sympathetic look. Beomgyu looked shared between helping him and studying for his math test that was to take place in an hour. Seeing his distress, Yeonjun decided that they had time to talk about it. Plus, he had mostly blurted it out because it weighed on his chest and simply letting it all out already ease that aching feeling inside.

“You’re sure? It’s just for now. We’ll talk everything out when I’m done. Promise.” Beomgyu had told him seriously when Yeonjun had suggested that they would talk it out another day. Yeonjun smiled at him and nodded. After a last glance of reassurance, Beomgyu’s attention fell back to his math equation sheet.

Yeonjun didn’t seem to focus anymore because of all the things on his mind, so he just waited patiently for the bell to ring. He had studied for his history test the night before, anyways. It was as his gaze swayed around the room that he noticed that someone was looking at him.

A taller student barely two seats away from them was staring at him with an unreadable look and Yeonjun blinked at him. When their gaze met the student hurriedly looked away, alamred because he got caught. Normally this wouldn’t be abnormal to Yeonjun. It was weird but some people liked to look at him all star strucked, sometimes. He wouldn’t say that he disliked it but he had to get used to it. He believed that it was the “cheerleader effect” that Beomgyu had mentioned once. They were star strucked by the status more than by Yeonjun himself.

The thing that seemed abnormal to Yeonjun was the look of panic that crossed the tall student’s face as he tried to act normal under Yeonjun’s calculating gaze, (but failed to do so).

A thought had crossed Yeonjun’s mind. _He hadn’t heard what Yeonjun had said to Beomgyu, right?_

He had managed to speak as quiet as possible. He usually did, since he was still a quiet person at the end of the day, despite his social status.

But that guy’s demeanor indicated that he had heard something. His stomach dropped at the thought. What would he do with this information? Would he spill it to the whole school?

The worst thing was that he wasn’t even that scared of the social repercussions if this guy was to tell the whole school of that neat list of his insecurities. Sure, he liked the attention but he also liked being left alone from time to time.

He was more afraid of what Wooseo would do.

Would he break up with Yeonjun if he knew that Yeonjun wasn’t perfect? That he believed that their relationship had an expiration date because the jock didn’t seem to actually love him?

( _Why was he scared of that? How was that normal?_ )

He had looked at the guy who was still trying to avoid his gaze. Yeonjun noticed his fair skin was. How his cheeks looked so soft and that he had natural dimples that stretched prettily as he gnawed his lips. How those same lips were at the same time plush and thin. How his jet black hair fell on dark eyes almost perfectly. How his round glasses framed his face perfectly. He wasn't handsome like Wooseo. Rather he was delicate.

Through all of those details Yeonjun wondered how he had never seen this student before.

Their eyes met again and this time they locked for longer.

Yeonjun didn’t know what to do. It seemed that the boy didn’t know either.

It was when the boy threw him a sympathetic look that Yeonjun snapped out of his trance and looked away (almost shyly, but he pointedly ignored that detail).

All he could do was hope that this (cute) guy wouldn’t say anything.

When he and Beomgyu exited the library to join their respective classes, — ignoring the piercing look falling on his back — Yeonjun also realized that this issue was to be added to his extensive list of things that caused him mild to high distress.

And that he definitely had no source of comfort anymore.

He eventually spoke of his outburst in the library with Beomgyu but after some thoughts, he had decided that he didn't wan to go in depht about it. Beomgyu had pestered him for it for three days but Yeonjun was categoric. Talking about it would be unnecessary, he thought. he had let out everything he wanted to say and he felt a little better. It would be fine, he told himself.

But it hadn't. Not entirely, at least.

Then, a week later, he received the first letter.

**4 • The middle of tenth grade: The Letters •**

He had been walking with the cheerleading squad to go the cafeteria. He had fought with Wooseo the day before, so he wasn’t really in the mood to talk. The girls and Beomgyu had understood that, and had agreed to let him have some time for himself. After saying that he would join them later because he needed to get some stuff from his locker, he walked in the practically empty hallways to do so.

When he opened his locker he almost had missed the pastel green letter slipping from his locker. The small 'slap' of the paper against the floor did make him notice, though. Yeonjun hesitantly picked it up looking back and forth in the hallway to see if anyone had seen it. There were barely any students and those whpo were here didn't seem to pay him attention.

He looked at the small letter, saw the “CYJ” written in romanized letters and wondered who it could be from. He had seen some letters like this for Valentine’s day and White day , but it was only January.

He gently opened the seal of the envelope and pulled out the purple letter inside. The envelope still weighed a little and he noticed that there was also a small bracelet in it. He pulled it out and he was met with a simple silver bracelet that held a single small charm. The charm looked like a small cartoonish desert fox. Yeonjun smiled unconsciously at the sight, since it was quite cute. That person had somehow figured what his favorite animal was.

Then he opened the letter.

_**Dear Yeonjun,** _

_**You may have a lot of inner turmoil that you have trouble to talk about, but know that you are still seen and appreciated.** _

_**I’m not talking about what everyone seem to want to see, but of what you don’t want to show. I think that those little things are admirable and really cute, too. It makes you more... human?** _

_**Not that you are not human. On the contrary, I feel like you’re realer than anyone else in this school and that is what I appreciate about you. You didn’t change all throughout those years.** _

_**I can’t imagine how you must feel, sometimes, though. It’s always hard to be at the center of attention, I assume — even if I’m practically invisible in this school.** _

_**There’s no particular reason as to why I wrote this letter. I’m not trying to confess my love for you, or to tell you anything specific.** _

_**I guess I did wanted to tell you one thing, though: Your inner struggles don’t make you fake or imperfect. It makes you real and more authentic. It also makes you ten times prettier that you already are. To me at least.** _

_**You are actually talented, Yeonjun. So talented that my eyes always fall back to you when the cheerleading squad performs. Stretch marks just reveals how much you worked on yourself. Your grades are a testimony of how hard working you are intellectually, too and you should be proud of that.** _

_**As for your relationship with Wooseo. Well, I don’t know him personally so I cannot tell you anything else than that : You deserve so much more than a superficial relationship. You deserve to have that sparkle in your eyes that you seemed to always have when you used to munch sweet honey buns.** _

_**I hope you get it back.** _

_**While waiting for you to get it back — because I’ve seen how much you grew as a person - I hope that doesn’t sound creepy, here is a bracelet that made me think of you. Again, no reason whatsoever for that gift other than because I think you deserve it. Also you share the same eyes as the desert fox, have you noticed? And that’s what I like the most about you (physically at least).** _

_**Yours truly (even though we don’t know each other)** _

_**\- CSB** _

_**PS: I feel like you may know who I am from what I told you here. I won’t say anything of what I’ve heard to anyone, don’t worry. I have no reason to do so.  
** _

_**If you want to confront me that is fine. If you want to never talk to me and throw away this letter, it is fine too.** _

_**If you want to answer back with another letter here is my locker number: 7326** _

Yeonjun had blinked at the letter, not knowing how to react. First he was a little disappointed that it wasn’t from Wooseo. The gesture would have been adorable if it came from his actual boyfriend. But it hadn’t been his type of gesture anyways.

The second thing that came into his mind was the guy from the library. Yeonjun hadn’t seen him since, but since no rumor about him had been whispered he had believed that the guy actually hadn’t said anything.

Clearly the letter was from him. It had been a reference to several insecurities that he had blurted out at the library. There were also the fact that the guy seemed to know him from before when Yeonjun had never met him before. He mentioned the honey bun, too. The same snacks that his father would buy him when he took him to school before he left them. That guy knew him for _this long_ and had never talked to Yeonjun. It felt a little stalker-ish.

Overall, he had had mixed feelings about this letter.

The gesture in itself was quite sweet. The words in it were so nice and seemed genuine. It was evident that the guy had wrote this in the hope to cheer him up and that thought made his heart flutter. A feeling he hadn't felt in quite a while. No stranger had ever took the time to make sure that he was okay. It was quite...

It was quite _comforting_.

And he hadn’t felt this way in a long time.

Maybe that was why he ignored the little voice in his mind that told him that it was a little creepy as he teared neatly a piece if sheet from his notebook, sat on the floor, against his locker to write a letter back. Right away, too.

_**Hello, CSB** _

_**This is weird but I’m writing this on a whim. I’ll be honest with you: that letter you sent me was as sweet as it was creepy. What’s up with that?** _

_**One question came through my mind as I read it: How do you know me from this long and how is it possible that I never noticed you before?** _

_**I mean I used to be a quiet kid like you seem to be now - I am only assuming, though. Sure enough I would have noticed you if we were in the same primary school, right? Or maybe I was shallow and never looked around me. You mentioning the honey buns makes me think that we knew each other in a way, though. Would you tell me about it?** _

_**Thank you for the bracelet. I don’t know if you knew but my favorite animal is the desert fox. I don’t think anyone knows that about me, so kudos to you, SB. You somehow gave me a gift that meant more than anything that my boyfriend ever gifted me. Although I should be happy he gives me anything. I don’t think that I could find someone better than him anyways. You’re nice to say i deserve more, though.** _

_**As for the array of adorable things you said. Well, thank you. It means a lot.** _

_**I don’t know how to feel about you, a stranger, knowing about those insecurities of mine but reading your take on it felt good. Maybe its because you sounded genuine.** _ _**I** _ _**never thought that I would be so chill about someone knowing but I guess that the secrecy of it all makes it easier to talk about it.** _

_**If I'm writing about my deep dark secrets, might as well tell you, since you already kind of know: I sometimes feel like I’m a fraud SB. Like everyone has those expectations of me and I just don’t have the will to entertain them. You say that you feel like I didn’t change, but in a way I did. For the better but also for the worst.** _

_**I slimmed down but I gained stretch marks.** _

_**I got more popular but I talk less to the nice people that I used to get along with before, because of their school social status.** _

_**I got a boyfriend who’s overall nice but that doesn’t push me to be better nor knows me more than what I tell him, because deep down our relationship is just for show.** _

_**You saying that you appreciate me the way that I am is so nice, but is it really who I am? You say that I’m more human and real, but are you sure that it’s true? That those flaws doesn’t just makes me less, somehow? Because it does feel like that most of the time.** _

_**Wow... I got all philosophical, huh?** _

_**I hope I didn’t freak you out, though. This letter was almost therapeutic. So thank you for that too, SB. I didn’t need a love confession but i did need this.** _

_**Yours truly (You already know much about me, so it’s correct to write that. I would love to know more about you, though.)** _

_**\- CYJ** _

_**PS: I think that this format of communication is just fine. I don’t see you a lot at school anyways? So maybe we can talk like this if this is fine with you.** _

_**If you’ll ever answer me, that is.** _

_**PS.S: You say that my eyes are pretty but have you seen your dimples? Really cute SB.** _

He finished writing the letter and took a last glance at it before folding it. He didn’t have envelopes on him so he just neatly folded it again and walked in the depth of the hallways to find the locker number 7326.

He walked quietly, and once he reached said lovker and made sure that nobody was watching he slipped it in between one of the slits before he changed his mind.

The noise of the small paper hitting against the metal of the locker made his heart skipped a beat, a smile stretching on his face despite himself. He wanted to feel guilty for doing this with someone else when he had a whole boyfriend. But it didn’t feel like flirting to him, more like camaraderie, or the birth of a new correspondence that may lead to a great friendship. Actually he hadn’t felt this giddy about something in a long time. Giddy for what? Back then he didn’t know. Maybe for comfort.

( _Or for more than comfort, but back then it hadn't felt like that explicitly._ )

He stayed in front of the locker for a moment. As if he was waiting for something to happen. Then he remembered that the squad was waiting for him so nodding to himself as he glanced at the locker, fixed his uniform and ran towards the cafeteria.

He hadn’t seen that someone was looking at him at the other end of the hallway, with a warm smile.

***

Yeonjun and CSB spoke almost everyday through those exchanged letters. Each day Yeonjun would go to his locker during the lunch break, all giddy to check if the familiar pastel green envelope would be there waiting for him. It always would.

Each day he would find an excuse to leave his friends and have time to write back to CSB.

They had started this exchange in mid January. Each day, they would send each other those sneak peek of their days. Or more than that.

they would talk about how they would feel about their current grades. About their hopes and dreams. About their insecurities.

CSB was the first person Yeonjun had talked about his relationship with food. The first person he had admitted things about this evolution and what it might have came from.

( _ **Sometimes it feels like I lost a part of myself when I stopped seeing food as a source of comfort. Maybe it was because my dad used to express his love through buying me food. When he would be late to get me from school he would buy me those honey buns that you mentioned few weeks ago. Now that I don’t see food this way anymore, I lost that last connection to my father, in a way. Does that make sense? I probably doesn’t...**_

To what SB had answered:

_**It does make sense, Yeonjun. Most of the time our current issues stem from childhood events or traumas. It wouldn’t be surprising if it was the case here, too. Your father leaving is part of who you are in a way. It forged a lot of part of your personality, too.** _

_**I would like to add that there is nothing wrong with that. If anything it’s pretty positive that you realized this. Now it leaves you room to know how to evolve, how to move on? Isn’t that great?** _

_**Maybe I’m not making sense either hahaha ^^** _

But it did make sense to Yeonjun, his mind felt a little lighter at the gentle and understanding words.)

He told him about his insecurities about his body. About his current love-hate relationship with his stretch marks and his previous disgust towards his old chubbiness.

(... _**A lovely woman on the body positivity blog I was going through last night said that she perceived her stretch mark like battle scars. It was weird since I did come to think of them this way, too. But, I mean, she had went through pregnancy. I only had lost around 15 kilos in less than a year. What I went through is incomparable to 45 hours straight of painful labor.**_

_**Still, it got me thinking. Should I really see them like this? Battle scars? Isn’t it too much?** _

_**This morning as I got dressed, as I saw my reflection in the mirror, I’ll be honest, I saw more of how I’m no-way near perfect. How I don’t deserve to wear that cheerleader outfit that was given to me to uphold a social position (in a way, it really is about that). How I don’t deserve that status I was attributed.** _

_**People say that your body is a temple, but my temple has cracks in its foundation. So should it even be deserved to be so popular and visited?** _

_**Okay that image sounded wrong hahaha. But you know what I mean. What do you think?...** _

CSB gave him a specific letter just to talk about it, the day after:

. _ **.. No matter the cracks and flaws of a foundation, people visit a temple for what’s inside and not outside Yeonjun. I know that**_ **I** _ **personally don’t care about stretch marks. It doesn’t define your personality (that I like so much). Now I know that this is about you, so I’ll focus on that:**_

_**First, please don’t dismiss your struggles. Sure you didn’t give birth, but from what you told me in previous letters you went through so much! Losing that much weight is like a battle! And your stretch marks ARE a testimony of that battle. It’s already great that you partially consider them this way. I can only hope that you’ll fully believe it one day.** _

_**Also, like I said what fundamentally matters is what on the inside. The reason why you are so liked by everyone and popular (other than your cheerleader status) is because you are such a nice person, and ready to make people happy with your dance and be helpful even though it is evident that you like to have your own peace and quiet.** _

_**I know that I like you more for how gentle and adorable you always had seemed to be, than for your body or your social skills.** _

_**Your imperfections makes you perfect, to me.** _

_**But once again, this isn’t about me.** _

———

Yeonjun’s heart fluttered when he read this letter. It was one of those that he had kept under his bed.)

They would also talk about CSB, who seemed to be way more open than Yeonjun although he did have his fair share of struggles.

( ** _... My parents are no longer together. They were actually quite happy before their divorce. I mean that’s how it seemed. Them separating was just so confusing to me. Since I was an only child, it felt even lonelier._**

**_I truly believe that their relationship (or rather the end of their relationship) made who I am today, kind of like you. If it wasn’t for them I paradoxically wouldn’t be such a romantic. I wouldn’t seek for romance that only had ‘happy endings’ so much in books or movies, again, kind of like you._ **

**_The difference between you and I is that I don’t particularly look for comfort like you do. Although I understand why you would. I don’t like to be comforted because I don’t like to depend on anything that I can’t control._ **

**_I had to learn to be independent quite early on, since my father was always working to provide for us when he got my custody. That forged the person that I am today. I dont like to ask for things._ **

**_Maybe that’s why I only have one friend, today. And like I already told you, Kai is my neighbor, so sometimes it feels like even_ he _is more a product of circumstances than of pure unaltered friendship that was ‘meant to be’. I never asked to be his friend. It just happened, although I am grateful._**

**_I secretly think that my dad prefers me like this, too. Last week I once again reminded my dad that I liked boys, since he always seems to forget when he asks me about the existence of some nice girls that I might like in school. At the reminder, he just blinked at me and after three awkward minutes he sighed and told me that it didn't matter because I wouldn't meet anyone anyways, because I wasn't the type to be in a relationship, because that required to be dependant of someone._ **

**_He had said that with a strange smile, too. As if he was happy that I was like that if it meant that I wouldn't be with a guy. It was weird, but still in a way, he was right. I am a loner. being in couple sounds so far away from who I am, even though I am a big romantic at heart...  
_ **

**_I must sound so weird, right? I guess that I am weird._ **

**_I mean I did write you a whole letter like it’s not 2015 and that social medias weren’t a thing._ **

**_It’s been two months since we started this and I still wonder how you still talk to me._ **

**_Note: I saw you today and that small eye contact we shared made me remember why I talk to you. Seeing you makes me feel better._ **

**_I won’t give up on you, Yeonjun, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. You matter too much to me._ **

**_That sounds so cheesy hehehe_ **

**_I hope it doesn't sound weird, given that you have a boyfriend._ **

**_PS: I saw that your boyfriend asked you as his prom date..._ **

**_It was... public, so I’m wondering how you are._ **

**_I hope that you are excited though!_ **

Yeonjun’s answer:

_**We are different, it’s true. Our parents had different history and it affected and shaped us so differently. I don’t think that I could be as independent as you are, so in a way I admire you for that.** _

_**I always need to surround myself with friends, like Beomgyu and the cheer squad. If not, I’ll be alone with my chaotic thoughts and I really don’t need this.** _

_**Although now, it already got so much better and I should thank you for that.** _

_**Which leads me to my point: you don’t have only one friend. You have me, now. I am your friend SB (although I don’t even know your name — we agreed that I wouldn’t try to know your name but I can’t help but be intrigued).  
** _

_**But know that I am here for you. I am willing to come to you if you'd let me. I know that you want to keep those exchanges secret for some reasons.** _

_**(If it's for the sake of my social status like you once mentioned, we might as well see each other because I don't care about it anymore. S**_ _**eriously, I really don't)** _

_**I’ll always respect your choices but say the word and I’ll come to you... I don’t have anything to lose, only things to gain since you are already so important to me.** _

_**Also** , **Please don't listen to your father. I know it's hard, but from what you told me and the previous stories, your dad has a clear problem with your sexuality. Hopefully it'll change but in the meantime let me give you my take: athough I do think that your independance is a good thing, I don't think that he is right about how it'll affect your chances of being in couple. Sure it'll be complicated but you are so great, CSB. You'll find someone as amazing as you are. i am** _ **sure** _**of it.** _

_**Your dad should prefer you like this not because it benefit his heteronormative agenda, but because who you are is quite fucking awesome, CSB. ~~To me at least.~~** _

_**I don’t think that you are weird either. You know what is weird? Asking your boyfriend on dates exclusively when there will be other people with you two. Or worst, asking your boyfriend as your date to your school’s first prom in front of the whole school’s cafeteria when said-boyfriend expressly asked you not to because it made him uncomfortable to have the whole school waiting for your answer. And when said-boyfriend (almost reluctantly) agreed you immediately go back to your soccer team instead of going to your boyfriend to even kiss him. That is weird ~~and a little fucked up, too~~.** _

_**I'm sorry, I'm disgressing;** _

_**Back to your issue... The fact is that you not depending on people is wayyy better than basing your whole life around other people and on how they perceive you. In that way you are better than all of us, SB.** _

_**Also, I know why I still talk to you. Because somehow your words, your letters, that green envelope... You became what I’m looking forward to each day. That means so much to me.** _

_**I appreciate you a lot, CSB. Even if you think that you are weird. You are just as amazing as you seemed to believe that I am ^^**_ )

They talked a lot.

In the span of two months, CSB became Yeonjun’s confidant, the first person he thought of in the morning and the last person he wished to talk to when he was about to sleep. They kept this mean of communication despite havng each other's number. I felt familiar and kept the mysterious side that they both seemed to like.

Yeonjun had never felt so close and connected to anyone before that. Even Beomgyu, whom he still was so close to, hadn’t known about some of the things that Yeonjun hadn't had any trouble to confess to SB.

It all felt so idyllic to Yeonjun, too. Gone were the inner turmoisl about his social status, about his reputation of perfection to uphold. When he looked at his reflection he only thought of how CSB thought that he was beautiful the way he was. When he cheered for soccer games, he thought of how CSB was probably looking at him. He would look for him just to see a dimpled smiled boy's gaze fixed on him, making Yeonjun almost fumbled in his routine. When he thought of how much of a shitty boyfriend Wooseo was being, CSB’s words of how he deserved the best popped in his mind.

That last thought made him realized as well that Wooseo and him weren’t meant to be.

He had mentioned it to Beomgyu and Taehyun. They both had agreed that it probably wouldn’t work out on the long run. Frankly, Yeonjun looked at the couple that was so different but worked so well and it just confirmed how incompatible he and Wooseo were. They had to break up.

He talked about it with CSB. The latter had only said that no matter his decision he would support him, one way or another. Yeonjun had thank him the day after that.

So, three days before prom — that Yeonjun didn’t particularly cared for to be fair. He could miss it and he wouldn’t have cared — Yeonjun took Wooseo away in the football field, near the bleachers.

“What do you want, Jun? The guys are waiting for me.” Wooseo huffed at his boyfriend. Yeonjun truly wondered how he had been able to handle this behavior for so long. It felt like it’d been month since Wooseo hadn’t smiled at him genuinely.

“It won’t take long. I just had to talk to you. Actually more like ask you something,” Yeonjun answered steadily, looking at his fidgety hands on his lap. He was seated but Wooseo was still standing. It was a little intimidating.

“Well? What is it?” Wooseo asked sternly.

Well, Yeonjun thought, here went nothing.

“... Do you love me?”

Wooseo looked taken aback by the question and Yeonjun could see that he tried to quickly school his expression, his usual frown etching back on his face.

“Why would you ask me that? What kind of ridiculous question is this?” Yeonjun had learned to read his body language after almost two years of relationship and it was obvious that Wooseo looked uncomfortable.

“Well, we’ve been together for almost a year and half, so I want to know if your feelings for me evolved to something more. Because otherwise...”

“Otherwise what?” Wooseo asked in bite and it was Yeonjun’s turn to be surprised at the sudden change of demeanor. He had never looked at Yeonjun with such eyes before. Eyes of disbelief and... almost searing anger.

“... Otherwise I don’t think this will work anymore.” He glanced at Wooseo’s hands forming a fist and he instinctively slid a little further away from him. “Huh, I—-I’m sure that what we felt for each other was genuine at first b—but it feels like we both drifted. So maybe it’s better for the both of us that we end—“

“No.”

“What?” Yeonjun blinked at Wooseo who looked furious as he approached Yeonjun like a predator sneaking on its prey. Yeonjun had never felt so... scared when looking at Wooseo.

“I said no. You are not breaking up with me right before prom. We’re the power couple, Yeonjun. We were going to be crowned King and King together!”

Yeonjun gaped at him. He didn’t know if he should’ve felt scared that Wooseo was getting threateningly closer or hurt that he seemed to care more about prom than about their relationship. It shouldn’t have surprise but it still was painful.

“Does it really matter? I just told you that I wanted us to end things because we don’t care for each other like before. Don’t you have anything to say about that?” Yeonjun demanded.

Wooseo scoffed at the question, “I only dated you because I needed you, Yeonjun! I don’t care about our relationship.”

Yeonjun’s heart dropped and he felt tears gathering in his eyes. He hated the fact thatbhe cried so easily over those things. He just couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“What do you— I— Wooseo, what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the fact that I literally befriended your pathetic ass just to get clout. I saw you dance at the quad when you practicing with Beomgyu right before the beginning of our school year and when I talked to you and saw that you were going to be a cheerleader, I ceased the opportunity that was presented to me.”

Yeonjun could barely breathe.

“Honestly I doidn't believe that you would go this far but you did so I just played along. I never cared about you." He spat in almost disgust, "I just needed you to be my ‘trophy wife’ while I ascended socially.”

He was going to pass out. This really wasn’t happening.

“And now you pull this shit on me? Hell, no. We are not breaking up right before prom.”

Yeonjun choked, “I don’t understand. I thought that you liked me. I think that maybe I shoul—“

“I don’t care about what you want, don’t you get it!? Don’t try to act like I’m the only one to blame here! You used me as much as I used you. You stayed with me knowing that you feel out of love for me. Don’t think I didn’t notice the letters.”

This time Yeonjun really fell faint. He looked back up towards Wooseo and his expression was a pure mix of sneering and satisfaction.

“I— I don’t know what you—“

“Stop playing dumb with me. Just reading them disgusted me. How could someone have feelings for someone like you? You're a pathetic piece of nothing who has mental issues and probably going to end up starving yourself to death just to be liked by everyone. You're just an attention whore, Yeonjun."

Yeonjun couldn't keep the tears from falling at the harsh words.

But the jock wasn't done, "Everyone will see that, just like I did and trust me that if I leak those pictures of the letters that I took they will think that you cheated on me and your reputation will be _ruined_. Is that what you want?” Wooseo was only inches away from him, but contrarily to previous pleasant situation, Yeonjun felt almost claustrophobic by the closeness.

“I— People won’t believe you. They know I wouldn’t do this to you.” He spat with little to no confidence and Wooseo chuckled, knowing that he was all talk.

People didn’t know him. They only knew the image they had forced on him. And sure enough, even a simple fake cheating rumor would tarnish his reputation.

But did he care?

He looked at Wooseo who already looked like he had won this game that he seemed to have played since the beginning of their relationship. Then he looked at his bracelet. There were almost enough charms to fill it entirely. There was only two missing.

He remembered CSB’s promise of getting him the last charms when it would be the right time.

Yeonjun’s mind drifted to SB, who wanted to keep those interactions a secret as much as possible. Yeonjun had promised it to him.

"Do you want to take that risk? Do you really want to risk the whole school finding out about your little intimate exchange with Choi Soobin?"

What?

Yeonjun's eyes snapped back towards Wooseo who looked just so elated and fuck.

_Choi Soobin._

_CSB._

_Fuck_.

"That's right I know who he is. I also know that he doesn't want people to know about you two. Maybe because he's ashamed of you. I can understand that, though..." Yeonjun sobbed in disbelief. He truly didn't recognize who this person was. This person he had given so much to. It semmed so unreal.

"Do as I say or I'll ruin you _and_ him."

He didn’t care that much of his reputation. At least not nearly as much as before.

But he cared so much about CSB.

 _No. Choi Soobin,_ he reminded himself.

That was what led him to say words that he would regret later on for so long.

“ _Fine_. Let’s break up after prom." He sighed, eyes closing instinctively at the sight of Wooseo's satisfied smirk. "After this we’re done, right?” Yeonjun asked doubtfully.

Wooseo nodded but Yeonjun didn’t notice the mischievous glint in his eyes as they shook hands to sceal their agreement.

***** Unpause*****

In retrospect Yeonjun should have figured that it would have been too good to be true. So much happened, a year ago during their previous prom. That explained why he hated the idea of prom so much, to this day.

But as he looked back at the tall figure standing before him with a flower bouquet and a small smile in front of him at the other end of the locker room, something in his chest fluttered. It almost wiped away the lastr ememories that he had of the younger.

“Soobin?”

The now tenth grader had changed so much after all this time apart. He had lost a little bit of his baby fat on his cheeks. He seemed to stand taller, too. Nevertheless, he still had the same dark orbs that were framed by his silver rimmed round glasses.

“Would you please look inside the envelope?” Soobin asked. No greetings, just a small awkward smile as he fidgeted with the flowers. Gardenias. His favorite flowers.

Yeonjun blinked at him before snapping out of it and picking up the fallen letter and envelope. Carefully, he pulled out the heart shaped charm that lied in it. It was quite simple but cute.

“What does it mean?” Yeonjun asked cautiously. Throughout their letter exchanges, the year before, the charms always held some kind of meaning.

“Turn it around.” Soobin answered steadily.

Yeonjun did as he was told and gasped quietly.

Engraved in the silver was four letter than made Yeonjun’s stop breathing.

_**PROM?** _

Yeonjun gaped at the charm, before glancing back towards a nervous-looking Soobin. That was probably waiting for his answer.

A year ago, those four letters would have made him so happy, coming from the younger. Looking now at Soobin still made his heart beat so hard.

But memories of inconsolable tears and of Soobin’s back indefinitely turning back to him surfaced when he thought of what prom and Soobin. He couldn’t do this to him again.

“No. I can’t.”

He felt his eyes sting as he fought back tears. He didn’t dare looking back at the younger that probably looked so hurt.

But it was for the better.

He closed his locker, took his bag after putting the letter inside and he walked to Soobin. The younger didn’t look at him, he just seemed to process this, and Yeonjun wanted to hug him so bad. But he reigned the feeling down.

“I’m so sorry, Soobin.” He said as sincerely as he could, before exiting the locker room.

If he heard sobs coming from the inside of it, he acted like he didn’t notice and fast-walked out of the building to avoid that this moment ingrained in his mind as much as what happened the year before.

It was the right thing to do.

Right.

( _Right?_ )

_***** Pause***** _

**Author's Note:**

> :(((  
> (This is two parts, fear not!)
> 
> Some suspense :D 
> 
> Why do you think that Yeonjun rejected Soobin? What happened during that cursed prom? What happened between them? 
> 
> Do you have random philosophical thoughts about yourself and society like Yeonjun and I do or are you normal?.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT, LEAVE A LIL KUDOS, HAVE A NICE DAY/NIGHT <3
> 
> My twt to scream at me to update  
> Twt: [@sanspoppinstar](https://twitter.com/sanspoppinstar)


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